I Never Wanted The Ashes

Standing at the mirror with that ugly cry on my face.

I had just opened an email with the sweetest message from one of our loss moms. Gratitude filled my already full heart, as the Lord had already orchestrated an unexpected blessing early this morning. In one breath, I was thanking and praising God for His provision and His grace.

I was standing as tall as a sunflower reaching for the sun, weeping with gratitude as He again revealed how He was bringing beauty from our ashes.

Then, like lightning, the heavy tsunami of grief flooded my body, instantly bringing me to my knees.

You know what I am talking about, don’t you, friends?

Your heart races. Your hands shake. Your stomach feels like an army of bees is building a hive right there below your heart. Your arms start aching, and anger rises up with the wail that escapes your throat.

“You should be here! This is not the story I wanted for my life, Lord! Thank You for the beauty, but I never wanted the ashes.”

Your reflection in the mirror shows you how the stress has aged you overnight as you cry ugly.

This is grief, friends.

This is the loss of a child.

This is burying the child you carried, birthed, adopted, loved.

This is faith.

You can stand firm in faith and still hemorrhage from grief.

Yes, even 10 years later.

Much love,

Chrissy