When Death Knocks Again

Death in so many forms is knocking again at my door. Deregulating my system and throwing my body into fight or flight, shutting down my brain to process only the information necessary to make hard decisions and manage a situation that ultimately, I have no control over. All of which is a gift in so many ways from the Lord.

Not the shakes, not the lack of ability to grab the words I need to communicate a sentence that at times I can’t seem to complete. Not the acute awareness that if someone asks if I am ok and my response is anything other than “yes,” I may not be able to stop the floodgates that could cripple me from taking the next best step. Not a heightened feeling of abandonment on so many levels, even though I know I am not alone. That I am not abandoned. That the one who matters above all, my Lord and Savior, has never left me or forsaken me, and he never will.

So today I will rise. I will cry with hope because I know death does not have the final word. Not physical death, or the death of hopes and dreams attached to the stories I have told myself. The stories and narrative that have shaped and reshaped my life through my own sin, my own surrender, and sin that has spilled from others all over me. Not the narrative I have created to protect myself, and not the death of relationships I have longed for but may never experience this side of Heaven.

While writing this feels extremely vulnerable, I know that there are many of you struggling with death, some physical, and others, the death of relationships you long for or the death of the stories you have been telling yourselves for years. You ask, how do I know? I know because the Lord has allowed me to walk alongside and sit in the quiet with so many of you as you have wrestled with those deaths and, like me today, you rise to wrestle again and reframe a story you never dreamed for yourself or wanted.

Will you rise again with me today? When the death of the story you have told yourself may be shattering at your feet? When the sounds of wailing echo back at you in the shower as the water washes over you and mixes with the salty tears falling down your face? When the answers don’t come and wrestling with why interrupts your sleep?

Will you cry with hope, trusting in a God who is writing your story and my story for His Shechinah glory? (That is a big word my momma taught me. It is a form of a Hebrew word that means “he caused to dwell.” It illustrates that it was a divine visitation of the presence or dwelling of the Lord God on this earth.) Will you walk with me in favor, knowing that the God of the universe loves you and sees you even when you feel unseen? Will you walk with me by faith even when you can’t see the glory and there is no pillar or cloud to guide your way? Will you worship with me for all the Lord has done and will do again, and will you tell yourself one more time, you can do hard things? You already have.

Much love,

Chrissy

@embracingthemess